3 Critical Things You Need for Survival on a Deserted Island

Don't leave home without them

🎵 Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip…🎶

We’ve all heard the scenario: What three items would you take if you were stranded on a deserted island?

Some try to be clever by saying something like a life raft or genie in a bottle. Most people name items such as knives, compasses, satellite phones, fishing gear, etc.

Okay, but those things are stupid.

If watching 48 seasons of Survivor has taught me anything… Never mind, it hasn’t.

Don’t try to fool yourself into thinking you’ll use your Swiss Army knife to cut down some trees and build a shelter. Jeff Probst won’t be there to kiss your boo-boo when you slice your finger.

Rub a couple of sticks together, and instead of a fire, you’ll get blisters. The Professor may be able to make a radio out of a coconut, but your dumbass won’t even be able to crack it open.

Blow up your life raft and brave the ocean. A whale will swallow you and your rubber boat like a gummy with a cream-filled center. Even if you survive, do you even know how to use a compass? I didn’t think so.

I’m bringing necessities that blow your scenario out of the water.

Here are three critical things you need for survival on a deserted island.

1. Bear Grylls

As confident as I may be with my survival skills (I’m not at all), Bear is better. Have you seen his shows? He can do anything.

Plus, he’s from the UK, and I love a man with a British accent. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s handsome. We’ll probably have to take off our clothes and use them as fishing nets or something.

That’ll be my excuse, anyway.

He’ll help us survive while teaching me all his tricks (and maybe I’ll teach him a few). He’ll make fishing poles out of branches and weave fishing lines using the loose hairs from our heads.

I’m a good cook, so I’ll handle the meals. Sounds like an even trade.

2. A house

I don’t mind a deserted island. I enjoy occasional solitude, mainly because I don’t have to deal with stupid people. Why not stay there? Since the square footage or mileage of the island isn’t specified, I’ll say it’s big enough for a 2,000-square-foot home.

Even though Bear won’t be able to keep his hands off me, I’ll insist that he and I have separate rooms, because I like my quiet time.

Since the island is deserted, it’s likely not owned by a country. I’ll claim it as my own and call it Brandonia.

3. Amphibious plane

It could get rather boring on a deserted island. Bear and I may tire of one another, so I’ll travel back to the mainland for supplies and go to parties. The island probably isn’t big enough to accommodate a landing strip, hence the amphibious aircraft.

I don’t know how to fly a plane, but I’ll bet Bear does. He was a member of the Special Air Service of the British Army, so he must know something about planes.

Becoming stranded on a deserted island may sound like a desperate and challenging situation. I hope you see how it can be a dream come true if you remember to bring the right items.

Incidentally, if you find a message in a bottle written by Bear Grylls pleading for help, please ignore it.

We like to play games. We’re fine.

Stay away.

*Original version published on Medium

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