3 New Year's Dissolutions for 2026

I can't be bothered to change more than three things

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash (edited by author)

Resolutions are pointless. If you’re waiting until the first of January to accomplish major life goals, they probably aren’t that important to you.

You can slap some photos on your vision board, or speak your desires to the Universe, but we all know you ain’t doin’ shit. Don’t get me wrong, though; I’m pointing three fingers back at myself.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The exact origin of this quote is unknown, but all indications point to the meaning being more about a religious conversion. Anyway… you get the drift.

You talk a big game, but are you really gonna lose weight by cutting back on sugar and alcohol this year? Maybe for a month, but you’ll inhale the entire box of Russell Stover chocolates and the bottle of wine you’ll get on Valentine’s Day.

Instead of resolving to do things, let’s dissolve a few.

Meta

Get rid of Fakebook and Instaglam. FB’s algorithm puts items in your feed to intentionally rage-bait you and keep you scrolling. Meta’s AI sexualized kids as young as eight years old until leaked internal documents prompted an apology. Do you think they would’ve stopped if they hadn’t been caught? Yeah, sure they would, because Mark Z. seems like such an ethical guy.

Check out Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s video.

I co-starred with Mark Zuckerberg in a new video

I don’t need to dissolve any of this because I’m not part of any of Z-man’s crap. I just thought you should know.

A lot of people use the excuse that it’s the only way they have to contact certain people. Umm… do those people not own phones? Pretty sure you can ask for their numbers before dissolving your account.

Trumpeters

If you have a family like mine, you likely have one or two relatives who not only continue to support our illustrious leader but actually embody racism, homophobia, transphobia, and any other discriminatory beliefs.

Guess what… If you’re an adult, you don’t have an obligation to stick around until dessert is served, along with a side of political ranting.

Put your happy gay ass into the driver’s seat and peel out. Spend time with open, empathetic people instead of the pathetic ones. Dissolve those relationships, and a resolution to be happier and healthier will be a lot easier.

People-Pleasing

On a related note, it’s time to get rid of the idea that you need to continue doing things you don’t want to because they’re expected, or because your mom is the travel agent behind the guilt trip you’ve been on.

If I decide to marry the man I love despite my family’s disapproval, will I hurt my mother’s feelings? Probably. Will she get over it? Probably.

If I continue trying to please everyone else at the expense of my happiness, will my feelings be hurt? Yes. Will I get over it? Not likely.

Maybe you’re not gay, but if you’re a people-pleaser, you can easily fill in the blank with other things. You know what they are. Dig them out of your suppressed subconscious and drop them into some hydrochloric acid.

Now that I’m looking at them, dissolutions seem very much like resolutions. Ah, fuck it. Do whatever you want.

What will you dissolve?

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