Country Eye for the Queer Guy

I guess it's more of a make-UNDER...?

Author’s photo

City life can be exhausting. You deal with traffic, rude businesspeople who are always in a hurry, endless noise, and let’s not forget about the crime.

If you’re a gay man in search of a quieter life, move to the country. We have noises here too, but I’ll take crickets and frogs over sirens and gunshots any day.

I’m sure you have reservations. You might be thinking,

Those backwoods hicks will plant me in a cornfield and I’ll never be heard from again!

You may have seen Deliverance, and you don’t want any part of that (or maybe that’s a selling point). Don’t worry, that’ll only happen if you stick out like a manicured thumb.

That’s why I’ll give you a makeover. You might want to try to blend in if you move here.

We have to countrify and de-gay you, piece by piece.

Your nails and skin

Your days of being pampered at the spa are over. Your soft, delicate hands and nails will soon become calloused and leathery. It won’t happen overnight, so we must speed up the process.

Go to the garden and rake your hands through the dirt a few times. Then, change the oil in the tractor. That shit’ll take months to clean off.

Consider getting a spray tan to disguise your pasty paleness. You’ll fit right in after the sun beats your skin into submission.

Scent

Your Armani cologne won’t do any good out here. I’ll send you outside to play with our local farm dog, Clem. He tends to have a mix of scents, including dead animals, manure, and pond water.

After a sweaty day of bucking bales, the combination of dog, hay, shit, and sweat is a cologne you’ll never find in a bottle (and never want to).

No need to bother with antiperspirants. No product in the world will stop the sweat from gushing from your body during hay season in the height of summer.

Clothes

Don’t worry about matching or coordinating your wardrobe. You’re options are limited out here. Besides, removing the decision about which outfit to wear is a bit liberating.

Start with a sleeveless T-shirt, but not the kind designed without sleeves. Get a regular shirt, rip off the sleeves, and then widen the holes until they extend to the bottom of your ribcage. If you don’t like the sleeveless option, the only alternative is plaid—short sleeves in the summer and flannel in the winter.

Wear jeans so tight you can see the outline of each testicle and a belt buckle you can spot from outer space. It’s unlikely anyone will see your underwear, but just in case, tighty-whiteys are the only way to go.

I know you’re used to changing your attire often, so you can alternate those skin-tight jeans with a set of overalls, but no shirt underneath. If you want to get flirty, unbuckle one of the straps and show a little nipple. Maybe you’ll attract the attention of a closeted cowboy.

Hair

No more wasted expense on mousse, gel, wax, or pomade. All you need is a John Deere hat before you head out the door.

If you go to the local bar, you’ll don your goin’-to-town hat, which hangs by the door to keep it cleaner than your work hat.

You can go without one, but only do this after several days of wearing it. You’ll have a permanent indentation in your hair with a little half-curl on the ends to match the other farm boys.

Other queer qualities

Some gays don’t fit into the typical stereotypes. If you don’t roll your eyes, talk with your hands, and smooth your eyebrows every five seconds, you’ll do better than some of us (including me).

For those of us who can’t quell our queerness, the less said, the better. Simply nod or grunt in response to questions thrown your way.

You may benefit from reading disparaging remarks about Taylor Swift, Cher, and Lady Gaga to better prepare yourself. Otherwise, a dramatic gasp and screech may involuntarily escape your mouth if you hear something like this in real-time.

Rural areas like this are usually conservative. I don’t often like to make assumptions, but you can be fairly sure who they voted for. You may have to bite your tongue if Trumpeters start blowing their horns.

You can speak up if you want, but I won’t be surprised to find you the next morning as the victim of an “accident” with a tractor or the receiving end of a bull’s horn.

On second thought, maybe you should stay where you are. In fact, do you have an extra room for rent?

If not, become a paid subscriber and help me afford to move out of this place!

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