Designing My Stepford Husband
The perfect man doesn't exist, but let's see if we can make one
In previous posts, I provided you with my personal warning label, my ingredients and recipe, and then my FAQ section. Enough about me (for now). In this article, I’ll tell you about my perfect partner.
Stepford Husband
If you haven’t heard of Stepford Wives, it’s basically a concept where men decided they didn’t like their spouses being independent. They were able to come up with a way to develop custom-made spouses.
It was originally a novel and then made into movies. I didn’t read the novel or watch the first movie, but I saw the remake starring Nicole Kidman, Bette Midler, Matthew Broderick, and Christopher Walken. If you haven’t seen it, you should check it out.
Today, I’m designing my own Stepford Man. First, we’ll examine the qualities of a typical, uninspiring straight man (if you need a real-life example, look at
), and then we’ll create the opposite.Arrogant
The typical straight man is raised to believe he’s always right. He’s the head of the household and “Commander-and-Chief” of his wife and family. His misplaced confidence prevents him from asking for directions or apologizing for making mistakes. Mainly, because he believes he’s never wrong.
When he was young, he was told how great he was at sports and his father argued with his coaches that didn’t put him in the game often enough. Obviously, he was the star player and could’ve gone on to play for the NFL, NBA, or MLB. He would’ve had his choice of whichever one he wanted.
And if it weren’t for that knee injury, he’d be in the Hall of Fame by now.
Masculine
The Man avoids traditionally feminine things. Would he play the clarinet or the flute? No, he’s not gay! He’d only consider instruments like the electric guitar or drums because they can be loud and obnoxious.
Did he like that Taylor Swift video? Only because she was wearing a sexy outfit.
He’s good at everything. The kitchen sink is leaking? No need to call a plumber. The Man can fix it. Where’s the duct tape?
He insists on going with a woman to buy a car because she doesn’t know how to kick the tires properly or look under the hood. Yep, there’s an engine there.
The Man likes huntin’ and fishin’ and wrastlin’ and if he lives in the country, he’s farmin'. He doesn’t cook — that’s a woman’s job. Clean the house? What does he look like, a French maid?
Does this resonate with you? Consider a subscription for $2 a month. It might get me out of bed in the morning.
Competitive
Second place is for losers! If you’re not the best, you’re nothing. If he doesn’t win, he makes excuses. They cheated! I wasn’t really trying. Remember that bad knee?
Participation trophies? Pshh! You don’t play for fun; you play to win!
Even conversations are competitive. The Man doesn’t listen with empathy or take turns. He nods his head and then likely interrupts with something completely unrelated to the conversation. He’s been patient enough while the other person was talking. In the meantime, he’s thinking about what he wants to say next.
He’s the ultimate one-upper.
You’ve done that? I’ve done it twice! You’ve been there? I was there a year before you in addition to 10 other places you haven’t been. You can bench how much? Throw on a couple hundred more for me.
Tough
The Woman can’t open a pickle jar. Let The Man do it. Look at his muscles. We already know he can bench more than you think he can. He cut off his thumb? No need for a doctor. Give him a needle and thread and he’ll sew it back on himself.
The Man doesn’t cry. Suck it up. Got hit with the ball? Don’t you dare rub it! Is he touched when watching romantic comedies? No, those are for sissies.
Is he crying because his grandpa died? Of course not! It’s allergy season. There’s something in his eye. Excuse him while he goes outside to spit and then hold one nostril as he blows snot all over the ground.
Straight
The Man doesn’t look at other guys in the shower. That’s totally gay. If he did happen to accidentally glance ever-so-briefly at another guy’s package, it was only to compare with his own, which is most definitely bigger.
He can hit his friend in the balls, but as long as he says, “No homo,” he’s good. He can pat another guy’s ass if they’re playing sports because — well, that’s what you do. No one knows why.
Has he ever been curious about what it might be like with another dude? No! Never! Not once! When he’s watching porn, he’s completely focused on the woman. Was there even a penis in that scene? He didn’t notice.
Do you know a man like this? You’ll probably relate to my other writing. Subscribe to my plan for $4 a month. It would motivate me to put on pants, or at least afford to buy a pair.
My Man
Now that we’ve tasted the bitter ingredients of a typical straight man, we’ll cleanse our palates with more desirable qualities. Here are the attributes I seek in the ideal man.
Humble
I can’t stand arrogance. I’ve mentioned it before, but if a guy — even a very good-looking one — is arrogant, he becomes physically unattractive to me. Humility is a quality I find extremely appealing.
I’m not talking about self-deprecation. You can be proud of yourself for your accomplishments without throwing it in people’s faces.
Sensitive
There’s nothing wrong with a bit of masculinity. In fact, I like a guy who’s more masculine than me. However, he should also embrace his emotions and not be afraid to be vulnerable.
On the other hand, if he starts blubbering at every cute kitten video he sees, we’ll have a problem. I won’t have him wiping his nose on my sleeve every five minutes.
Fun
A little competitiveness is fine but have fun, for Pete’s sake (side note: who the Hell is Pete and why are we doing anything for his sake?). The straight man only has fun if he competes (and wins). Have you seen gay guys at the club? They’re having a more fabulous time than the straight man. His ass is stuck in the recliner with the remote stuck to his hand.
Gay guys use their hands for things that are much more fun.
My man must also be funny. A guy with a sense of humor is sexy. If you make me laugh, I’ll probably fall in love.
Don’t worry,
, you’re safe.Fit
We’re getting into the physical aspects now. Yes, I love a fit guy. I like muscles, but not too big. I’m turned off by guys like Dwayne Johnson or anyone else from the WWE.
It’s not all about looks, though. I want a guy who cares about himself enough to be healthy. I enjoy playing tennis and pickleball, going camping, hiking, and canoeing.
This guy is almost perfect:
Gay
If you haven’t realized by now that I’m gay, then there’s something wrong.
Obviously, my perfect man will have to be attracted to men — specifically, me. I’ve dated a bisexual guy but I always had the feeling I wasn't enough for him. I got the impression he would eventually miss the vajay-jay. It may have been my insecurity, but there you go.
Attractive
Now for physical qualities… I’ve always been envious of guys with blond hair and blue eyes (Brad Pitt). However, guys with dark hair and eyes tend to grab my attention more often than others (Mario Lopez).
Height doesn’t matter so much to me, but there are limits. I don’t want to develop neck and back problems from bending down to make out with him. My boyfriends have been shorter than me, if only by a couple of inches, but that’s not a requirement.
I don’t like a lot of body hair, but a little can be sexy. I like the smooth chest/body better, but not shaved everywhere.
Am I forgetting anything? Yes, I’m sure you’re waiting for it — the “size” question. To be quite honest, it’s not that big of a deal (no pun).
It doesn’t dick-tate whether or not I like a guy. It doesn’t provide hapenis. As schlong as he’s not cocky, but still has the balls to stand up for himself, he’s a weiner in my book. If I don’t love a guy because of a small or average-sized package, I’d be nuts.
Are we done?
Oh, cum on. Don’t get ahead of me.
Perfection is only an ideal; there’s no such thing. We can never achieve this goal, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to better ourselves.
I was in love with a guy with some issues, but he was perfect for me. I want someone who’s got some imperfections. It may be difficult to believe, but I’m somewhat flawed, so we’d be on more of an equal playing field.
Anyway… There you have it. My “perfect” man. Does he exist? Is he out there waiting for me? Is he reading this blog?
Not likely.
Even though I’m fabulous, I don’t make much money, so I appreciate your contribution. If you enjoy my content, I’m offering one more option for those who can’t afford the full price. For $6 a month, I’ll listen to your suggestions for article topics.
Or hit the button below for the full price. This will convince me to leave the house and go on a date, providing fodder for future features.
I’ll also collaborate with you on articles and recommend your publication!
You have inspired me to come up with my own Stepford Man. :D
Designing my Stepford AI could be next!