How to Become CEO of a Corporation Using Toddler Negotiation Strategies

You can achieve success with phrases like "No!", "Wah!", and "I don't wanna!"

Be more like this kid (Photo by Tim Bish on Unsplash)

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Have you felt underappreciated at your job? Are you languishing in your career? Has your boss overlooked you time and again when the company considers raises and promotions?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, stop whining about it and—well, whine more.

Let me explain how I achieved great success employing negotiation techniques commonly used by a toddler before naptime.

Going full-on toddler from the start isn’t advisable, so I began small. My team lead, Sheryl, asked me for an update on a project I hadn’t finished. I said, “Me tired,” and opened a drawer in my desk, took out a pillow and blanket, popped a binky into my mouth, and lay down under my desk. She was speechless and walked away in disbelief.

I had an annual meeting with my boss to discuss a raise. What he proposed was less than I expected.

“No,” I said, simply.

“No?” he repeated.

“NO!” I said again, slightly louder and more emphatically.

“I’m sorry, but—” he began, blinking heavily.

“No, no, NO!” I shouted. As further evidence of my worth, I added, “Want more!”

He seemed surprised by my confidence and refusal to accept anything less than what my efforts deserved.

“Well, let me look over the budget numbers again, and I’ll get back to you,” he said.

I clapped gleefully and skipped out of the room. I received an email later that day stating that the company found enough money allocated for salaries to allow me a higher raise.

My negotiation tactics were producing better results than I’d originally anticipated. So, I decided to bump up the frequency and applied them to other situations.

In the breakroom, I opened my lunchbox only to be disappointed by the meager cold-cut sandwich staring back at me. Craig’s leftover lasagna screamed out to me from the refrigerator, so I answered the call.

Craig came in during my lunch, looked confusedly at his my meal, and quickly opened the fridge to confirm his suspicion. “Is that my lasagna?” he asked.

“Mine!” I snapped.

“Excuse me?”

“Mine, mine, MINE!” I yelled and then slid my sandwich across to him.

“I don’t underst—”

“Waaaahh… WAAAAHHH…” I cried at the top of my lungs.

My eyes were closed, but somewhere in the middle of my wailing, Craig took the sandwich and left the room. The lasagna was good, but it could’ve used a bit more oregano, if I’m being honest.

Word circulated in the office that I was not someone to be trifled with. I still performed my duties, but “above and beyond” was no longer a consideration for me. I wouldn’t be forced to perform demeaning tasks or ones I thought I might fail at. My “don’t wanna”s and “can’t make me”s were becoming infamous. My temper tantrums, accompanied by fists pounding on the floor, couldn’t be argued with.

They tried to fire me once, but I refused their suggestion and pouted under my desk. Since our company doesn’t have its own security, they’d be forced to call the police. They didn’t want a scandal, so they let me stay.

I pouted and whined my way onto the Board of Directors and eventually called (loudly) for a vote of “No confidence” in the then-current CEO, Randy. “Me no like!” were my exact words, if I recall correctly.

They called in a mediator. She said punishment wouldn’t be appropriate because it would squelch my spirit and creativity. She suggested a “time out,” but that didn’t work well. I yelled “No!” and “Don’t like it!” each time Randy suggested anything.

After I was finally named as Randy’s replacement, I no longer needed the negotiation strategies. We’ve all moved on as if nothing happened. Randy tried to reverse the strategies on me, but I told him I was raised with the “Spare the rod, spoil the child” mentality, and then took off my belt.

He believed me, and we haven’t had an issue since.

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*Word of advice: Don’t try these strategies at home. I’m now living in a tiny apartment and paying alimony after my spouse filed for divorce.

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