Serving Queries and Eating Up Answers from the Gay Buffet
A Q&A session with Aidan Wharton
Today, I’m talking with
. I read an article by Aidan called Are You Seeing Other People?This article was written in response to a reader who wanted an open relationship but wasn’t sure when or how to bring it up.
Aidan gave his reader some fabulous advice, as I would fully expect. Nevertheless, his recommendgaytions weren’t enough to convince me to embrace the idea.
My reticence and unwillingness to walk up to the open bar have much to do with insecurities, but also lingering values of my religious upbringing. Yes, I was eventually able to subvert the idea of one man, one woman (obvs), but an open relationship? Let’s not push it.
I connected with Aidan and he agreed—under much protest, coercion, and 35 mg of THC—to participate in a Q&A session with me.
Brandon Ellrich: Hello, Aidan! I appreciate your willingness to submit to my powers of persuasion to answer a few questions.
Aidan Wharton: Hey Brandon! Thanks so much for having me! Although if I were under the influence of 35mg of THC, I wouldn’t be able to write a thing! So I hope you’ll have me under the influence of just a good ol’ iced coffee.
BE: Are you in an open relationship now, and does your partner know about it? Just kidding… kind of.
AW: I am in an open relationship right now with my incredible fiancé, Casey. It’s taken a lot of time to figure out what works for us, but after lots of healthy communication, we’ve really nailed a relationship structure that we love.
BE: When did you first realize you wanted an open relationship? Were there “creative differences”? Was it like wanting to try Starbucks when your favorite local coffee shop was closed?
AW: When I moved to NYC in 2017, I met a lot of people who were in lots of different relationship configurations, so I was always curious about it. Once Casey and I started dating, I told him pretty early on that it was something I wanted to explore down the line. He wasn’t as experienced with it as I was, so we took a couple of years to build up the trust and get to know each other before opening it up.
BE: Who brought up the idea first, and what was the other person’s reaction? Mine would involve a high-pitched voice, sobbing, and maybe a heart attack. Any of that?
AW: Haha, there were definitely no heart attacks. I brought it up first and it was interesting because Casey had wished I’d waited until we knew each other a bit more. But I would have felt like I was leading him on under false pretenses. Neither of us was right, and it’s a great example of how two contrasting ideas about openness can be 100% correct and just take some navigation to find the right middle ground.
BE: I’m in an open relationship now—open to anyone willing to love me. Kidding again… kind of. What if I meet “the one,” but he wants an open relationship? I’m unwilling to budge in my convictions, but if he loves me, he’ll be monogamous, right?
AW: You know, all relationships take compromise. I believe it’s a lie we’re sold that there’s one person out there with whom we will have no friction. So, if you find yourself in that predicament, you both would have to explore how to come together in a way that makes both of you happy. Luckily, there is so much literature out there to help folks understand nonmonogamy like The Ethical Slut or my very own Gay Buffet!
BE: Okay, so “open” is a broad term and can still have its limits. Do you still have secrets? I don’t care how open we are, I’m not telling my partner where my vintage Darth Vader action figure is.
AW: That depends on the relationship! For us, we try and talk about everything before it happens, this way we can figure out what each person is comfortable with so we can enjoy it in the moment and not have any guesswork. Then if we want to hear about it, we’ll talk about it, and if not, we won’t, but there’s never any intentional secret keeping.
BE: Do you feel compelled to tell your partner about everyone you slept with before you met? If so, I may need a calculator.
AW: I definitely don’t feel that urge, but it’s happened anyway. I want to tell Casey about all the things that have made me me, and a big part of that is the men I’ve loved along the way. I learn a lot from lovers, boyfriends, one-offs, and those things I learn about myself, I usually debrief about with Casey.
BE: Do you both have to meet the person you want to… “test drive” before it happens? Is there an interview process?
AW: Good question! This depends on whether you are playing together or separately. If it’s someone we’re both interested in, we usually like to meet that person together so it feels like everyone is on equal footing and there are no expectations or pressures.
BE: The idea of a throuple has become increasingly popular lately. What makes you choose an open relationship over a throuple, besides the lack of a king-sized bed?
AW: As someone who has dated a throuple, there’s a lot that goes into it. I wrote about it actually for Jerry Portwood’s Queer Love Project here. For me, in my open relationship, Casey and I are still a couple even though we have experiences of various emotional connections outside our relationship, but we’re very clear that neither of us is looking for another boyfriend or partner. If we were, then that would open us up to throuple territory, but for now, we’re happy with our primary couple and all the other folks we get to share that with.
BE: Okay, the last question is completely random: Are you open to a relationship with a gay writer from the Midwest (for argument’s sake, we’ll say Missouri) who lives in the country with two cats?
AW: Haha, well, based on all your questions, it sure seems like openness isn’t in the cards for you, but hey, maybe this conversation has changed your mind! Just remember that we all get to make our relationships work for us. There’s no right answer, and you just have to find the people and things that make you happy. That’s the only thing to look for.
Thank you so much for having me! If your readers are looking for more of my thoughts on open relationships, sex, and sexuality, I write about that weekly at Gay Buffet on Wednesdays, and then write a paid sex column called The Darkroom on Fridays!
Thanks for having me and I’ll talk to you soon!
A huge thank you to Aidan for collaborating with me on this. He makes an open relationship sound a little less intimidating. I hope you’ve all learned something today, as I have.
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Thank you again for having me! These were so much fun!