Why Did I Want to See Him in His Underwear?

A significant moment in my "coming out" journey

Photo by Christian Buehner on Unsplash

When I was younger, I didn’t fully realize I was “different.” I wasn’t interested in the same things as other males and may have felt a bit ostracized but didn’t know why.

I didn’t completely comprehend what being gay was but knew it was a bad thing to be because of the way the word was used in reference to any boy or even object that was effeminate, lame, stupid, or ________(insert derogatory term).

I attended a very small school in a rural, conservative area. To put it in perspective, there were 24 kids in my graduating class. We were the smallest class in school, but not by much. Later, I heard about schools with hundreds of students in each grade. Having known everyone in my class, this was difficult to imagine.

Many families in our community had similar beliefs and attended the same kinds of churches. My parents were (and still are) conservative Christians and we didn’t talk about sex, and certainly didn’t talk about homosexuality. It was treated as if it didn’t exist.

I didn’t have many male friends as a child. I had only a couple of friends in elementary school and I remember going to their houses once or twice and inviting them over too. One time, I invited “J” to my house for a sleepover. I can’t say how old we were…maybe nine?

Before he came over, I inquired about his favorite kind of ice cream (chocolate chip) and asked my mom to get some. It wasn’t my favorite, but I was more concerned with having something he liked.

That night, we were getting ready for bed. There was a space between each bed and the wall and we each got down behind our separate beds to change our clothes. After all, it wasn’t appropriate to see each other in our underwear.

While we were changing, I ran over as I was giggling, to peek at him. He laughed and covered himself up and then I ran back. He did the same thing. That was all I remember happening.

Looking back, what I remember most clearly is me trying to see him in his underwear. I attempted to make it seem like a joke or game, but I wanted to see him. At the time, I really didn’t know why.

What some people may not realize is the level of denial created by strict familial and religious core beliefs.

There are many instances of that type of thing as I got older. We began changing in the locker rooms in Junior High. I was very curious and stole glances at guys when they were naked, going to and from the showers.

It was such a struggle between wanting to see a guy’s penis, knowing it was wrong to want that, and the fear of being caught staring. The latter would surely bestow upon me the label of “fag.”

I’m not sure when I realized I wasn’t straight. Looking back now, I can identify certain moments, but I didn’t have the mental maturity to accept that I was gay. It wasn’t until college that I finally acted on it.

But I already wrote about some of those experiences here:

I definitely know now why I wanted to see my friend in his underwear, but it was a confusing time back then. I hope more parents and guardians today can be more accepting of their children’s curiosity. I hope kids are more comfortable sharing their feelings with other people than I was.

It would save a lot of pain and depression.

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*Adapted from an article on Medium

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